Think About the Future: Yawn ABC

Remember those magical days when we all thought a federal Labor government might actually do some good? What blind, ignorant fools we were… Oh right, sorry: the ABC just announced their line-up for 2025, and flush with support and cash from the socialist media-loving government they’ve finally boosted their – oh wait, we’re just being asked to re-read our opening sentence again.

First, the good news: things aren’t going to be a whole lot worse in 2025. They’re just not going to be any better than 2024. And 2024 was shit.

ABC 2025 Upfronts announce highlights include:

SCREEN – SCRIPTED

The ABC’s scripted slate continues to be broad, diverse and world class in 2025.

Based on bestselling Australian author Sally Hepworth’s novel of the same name, The Family Next Door  tells the story of enigmatic Isabelle (Teresa Palmer), who moves into a small seaside cul-de-sac where her obsessive drive to solve a mystery casts suspicion on four neighbouring families.

Jenna Owen, Vic Zerbst and Charles Firth are the masters of spin in new six-part comedy series Optics which premieres Wednesday 29 January on ABC TV and ABC iview.

The critically acclaimed and multi-award-winning Mystery Road: Origin returns for a second season continuing to delve into the early years of Detective Jay Swan (Mark Coles Smith).

Unmissable favourites Bay of Fires, Austin and Mother and Son all return for second seasons in 2025, with Return to Paradise also in development and planned to return in 2025. The multi award winning The Newsreader will return for season three on Sunday 2 February on ABC TV and ABC iview.

That’s right, “comedy” is part of the thrillingly titled department, “scripted”. Now every sitcom that gets up is taking the place of some boring shithouse prestige drama or mystery-themed spinoff from Getaway, and you know the ABC isn’t going to let that happen without a fight.

But hey, “unmissable favourite” Austin is coming back, to the delight of the fourteen people in the UK who actually watched it.

Also more Mother & Son, so looks like they couldn’t get out of that contract after all.

SCREEN – ENTERTAINMENT

From satire to panel shows and stand-up comedy, a plethora of ABC favourites return for 2025.

Hands on buzzers for the return of crowd-drawing hits Spicks & Specks, Guy Montgomery’s Spelling Bee and Hard Quiz. The laughs and good times keep coming with more Gruen, The Weekly with Charlie Pickering and Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

2025 will see Costa and the team unearth more tips in Gardening Australia while Offsiders unpacks the sporting news of the week. New favourites Shaun Micallef’s Eve of Destruction and A Bite To Eat with Alice are in development to return.

ABC is proud to support emerging voices through the Fresh Blood initiative with Screen Australia which will see three debut projects hit screens in 2025 – Going Under, Urvi Went to an All Girls School and Westerners. Our joint initiative with Screen Australia continues to be the ABC’s launchpad for the careers of some of Australia’s best comedy writers, directors, and performers. People like Aunty Donna, Greta Lee, Adele Vuko, Nina Oyama and Angus Thompson to name a few.

How drunk to you have to be to write the line “The laughs and good times keep coming with more Gruen“? On second thoughts, we don’t want to know.

But at least there’s the three Fresh Blood series to bring some comedy to our oh wait, we’re just being informed that all three are “comedy-dramas” so forget we said anything.

Also, and if we were the kind of people to get worked up about things we might possibly be somewhat steamed about this, how the fuck does the ABC get away with claiming that Fresh Blood was “the launchpad” for Aunty Donna when the ABC wanted bugger all to do with them for a decade while they became global hits due to their own hard work on social media – up to and including getting their own Netflix series – and then when the ABC did finally get around to following up on their hard work “launching” the trio with Aunty Donna’s Coffee Cafe, they axed it after one season?

Then there’s this but really, who gives a shit:

Groundbreaking series The Role of a Lifetime sees Amanda Keller and an ensemble of comedians explore parenting dilemmas alongside sketches featuring Kate Ritchie and Nazeem Hussain.

This would usually be the point where we put a positive spin on things by pointing out that the ABC often announces its more interesting programs closer to their air dates*, and that these upfronts are usually front loaded with “all your favourites are coming back!” news. But not this year.

It’s time to (stop complaining? – ed) face facts. The current ABC management seems to have next to zero interest in scripted comedy, happy to wave through the occasional dramedy and then point to a collection of games shows as proof they’re wild and crazy guys. But even the good game shows are still game shows; the sketch shows don’t exist any more.

More depressing is the “good enough” vibe that comes through with the endless renewing of the same old turds. We have no axe to grind with steady reliable programming – good job, Gardening Australia – but Gruen and The Weekly haven’t been fit for purpose for years now.

And yet it seems increasingly likely that the ABC itself will vanish from free-to-air television before either of those programs do. Increasingly disconnected from reality – Gruen is a show about ads on commercial television, when in 2024 commercial television programming is advertising – hosted by the fresh young faces of two decades ago who are still in the exact same jobs they were then, you’d learn more about today’s world from a copy of The Bulletin you found under the floorboards of a demolished funeral home.

Then again, that seems to be where the ABC is looking for viewers.

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*according to this article, the guy at the ABC who in 2023 axed Aunt Donna’s Coffee Cafe and all their in-development scripted comedies says “we constantly ask internally, ‘How do you find the next Wil Anderson, Kitty Flanagan and Micallef?… To that end, we have reserved two slots for next year, including a Wednesday night slot, for two new entertainment shows, but we couldn’t fit them into this year’s line-up.” As “entertainment” is code for “unscripted”, pencil in the return yet again of Question Everything and… oh, lets say the even less comedic You Can’t Ask That